


Are you Trump or Biden in this scenario?

by ejdominus



Series: Joe/Nicky Political Sexy Times [1]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: American Politics, Canon Queer Character of Color, Crack, Dirty Talk, Gay Male Character, Hand Jobs, I Don't Even Know, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Joe Biden - Freeform, M/M, Nonsense, Please Don't Hate Me, Politics, Stupidity, This Is STUPID, kamala harris - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27439528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ejdominus/pseuds/ejdominus
Summary: Um, this is so dumb. I wrote this tipsy on champagne from celebrating American election news. Don't read this is you in any way like Trump because he's a dumpster fire and that's facts.A scenario in which Nicky is distracted by the US 2020 election while vacationing in Malta and Joe wants to get his attention and ease away the stress. This is the dumbest thing I've ever done, but it was inspired by the awesome Old Guard discord server I am in so some of these lines definitely are credited to those beautiful people there, but I made them 100% more ridiculous so only blame me. Seriously, read this at your own peril. I am still tipsy.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe/Nicky/America?
Series: Joe/Nicky Political Sexy Times [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143542
Comments: 20
Kudos: 66





	Are you Trump or Biden in this scenario?

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, this is very stupid but has some handjobs. I did not beta this because I barely want anyone to know I did this. Enjoy if you dare! Seriously, if you have political opinions you feel you need to share because you like Trump, just save yourself and me time and don't.

“Nicky?” Joe edged the door to their shared room open, peeking his head in, unsure of whether his beloved might be still awake or blissfully passed out. It has been a hectic few days, watching the news coverage of the United States’ 2020 election. Despite being far from Americans themselves or even in the United States (as they were holed up for a much needed vacation in their Malta), Joe and Nicky much like the rest of the world had been glued to their screens.

“Hm?” Nicky replied, looking up from his phone where he had been texting with Nile back and forth. Joe smiled, his heart warmed to see his messed up hair from his fitful nights of sleep, still adorably smushed on one side. Neither of them had slept very soundly, and not for the usual pleasant and very filthy reasons that made Joe smile stupidly when they were in Malta.

“Why are you still awake hayati?” Joe asked, coming over to sit beside his most treasured husband. “Biden is the projected winner, we can relax now.” He reached up to gently rub the back of Nicky’s neck, soothing the tense muscles. Nicky closed his eyes and groaned from the sensation of relief, the sound of which traveled straight to Joe’s hardening cock.

“I know Joe, but there’ll be recounts and that orange nightmare will not go quietly.” He frowned, despite Joe’s talented fingers. “There’s still a long road ahead.” Joe felt the tension rise back up in his Nicky’s shoulders and neck, the worry creasing his brow ever deeper. Joe felt himself wither at the sight of Nicky so distressed.

“Nicky…” Joe sighed, wanting desperately to be able to hold Nicky in a peaceful slumber. Last night, Joe had received an elbow to his face when Nicky jumped up to answer a text message from Nile.  _ Damn time zones _ , Joe grumbled as he held his bleeding nose.

“What can I do, my love, my heart, light of life, to take your mind off this mess?” Joe placed his hand over Nicky’s phone screen, pressing it down and out of view. Nicky turned to look at Joe, ready to scold him for blocking his texting and news blog refreshes. But the sight of Joe’s beautiful eyes, deep and rich and full of eager devotion melted his resolve. He signed deeply.

“Forgive me, my love,” Nicky said, resting his forehead against Joe’s, breathing in the fresh soapy scent of his shower. “There is….something.” Nicky cocked at eyebrow at Joe, his sea glass colored eyes twinkling with the kind of mischief that always drove Joe mad.

“Oh?” Joe said, his rapidly filling cock peaking with interest.

“Yes,” Nicky whispered, bringing his mouth close to Joe’s ear, his hot breath alighting every nerve there to attention. “I want you to screw me like Trump screwed democracy.”

Joe’s desire deflated instantly. 

“Hayati, NO!” Joe half shouted, half laughed, pushing Nicky away who had a devilish grin on his face. Nicky, pleased with himself, snorted and grabbed Joe’s head with his hands to pull him back towards his face.

“Yes, Joe, take me apart like Trump had taken apart America’s rights and regulations.” Joe tried to squirm away, but Nicky held him firm, refusing to let him escape his torture. “I want you to ruin me like he ruined the Supreme Court! Frack me, Joe! Frack me!”

“Nicky! How do you know so much about American politics?” Joe yelled, avoiding Nicky’s sloppy attempts to kiss him. “Miami! Miami!”

Nicky snorted, suppressing a laugh. “Joe, are you using our safe word?”

“Of course I am! It’s there for this exact purpose.” Joe tried not to think too hard about the humid sticky mess of their time on a mission during the 1960’s in Miami. Sex in those conditions was unpleasant, not to mention the alligator that nearly took him underwater. That’s what they got for trying to steal ten minutes of intimacy near a swamp.

Joe leaned forward to place a tender kiss on Nicky’s strong nose. God, how he loved that nose. “I am not comfortable defiling you like that horrible orange man. Even in jest. I will defile you in any other circumstance as you desire.”

Nicky was beset by a fit of laughter, half crazed by the stress and lack of the sleep of the past couple of days. Oh, how Joe filled his heart with joy and blessed relief from the world.

“Okay, my love,” Nicky breath out, relaxing into Joe’s welcoming arms now that he was no longer invoking Trump’s name. “What do you have in mind for taking my mind of the orange buffon?”

“Well, Joe said, scrunching his face in thought, the crinkles around his eyes appearing to build the fire in the pit of Nicky’s stomach. “I think I’d rather be Biden than Trump.”

“Oh?” Nicky cocked an eyebrow again, unsure of where Joe was going with this.

“Mmm, yes, I’m going to be Biden in this scenario,” Joe whispered, pulling Nicky’s side into his chest, bringing his lips to Nicky’s ear as his hand splayed across the white column of Nicky’s neck. Nicky responded with a deep moan, always enthralled by the feel of Joe’s rings and fingers pressing into his skin. “Because of all the men and women vying for your attention, it’s going to be me who comes out on top and rouses  _ your base _ .”

Nicky closed his eyes, letting himself be swept away with the sensation of Joe’s hand on his neck, pressing gently but firmly before dropping lower to his chest. “Is that a euphemism for my cock?”

“Shhh,” Joe hushed, his breath hot against the shell of Nicky’s ear. Dropping his voice lower, he continued, “And then I’m going to work you into a frenzy like the red mirage on the electoral map, have you squirming and at my mercy.”

“Nnn, Joe…” 

“And I won’t stop ‘til you’re on the edge, waiting for results. But I won’t give them to you. I’ll make you wait, make you beg, because I’ll be going so slow you’ll think I’m fucking Nevada.” Joe massaged his chest, finding first one nipple and then the other, pinching them to hardness. Nicky gasped at the sensation, before biting his lip, wanting to go to keep going.

“And then, when you least expect it, I’ll take you hard like Pennsylvania, obliterating you, counting every single one of your votes, and no matter how much you beg to stop counting, I won’t until I explode in you, claiming you as  _ mine _ .”

“God Joe, I would never beg you to stop,” Nicky panted, opening his eyes to turn towards Joe, his plush lips seeking Joe’s. Their mouths met hungrily, teeth and lips hitting awkwardly, Joe biting his bottom lip to end it. Joe’s hand left Nicky’s nipples to trail down to his stomach, reaching ever lower.

“And then,” he continued, his eyes dark and full of lust as he held Nicky’s gaze, Nicky breathing heavily in anticipation. “I’ll flip you like Georgia, and come from behind for the win.” Joe slipped his hand underneath the waistband of Nicky’s boxers, grasping his heated and hard cock at last, wringing an orgasm from Nicky so sudden and violently, Nicky groaned into Joe’s mouth, shuddering and collapsing backwards on the bed.

Shaking, Nicky twitched against the pillow, biting his lip as Joe worked him through the rest of his orgasm.

“Hayati...did you cum just from that?” Joe sounded surprised by the outcome, but had still made damn sure to guide Nicky through. 

“Uh…” Nicky could not speak yet, his mind still in a daze. “I guess I was into that more than I realized.” He laughed. “Maybe I have a thing for Joe Biden?”

Joe laughed, climbing up the end to lay full against Nicky’s side on the bed, languidly stroking Nicky’s softening cock. “I hope it alleviated your troubled mind a bit, at least.” 

Nicky chuckled softly, turning to face Joe and pushing into his face for a kiss. For a few minutes they kiss lazily, happy and stupidly in love as they had been for the past several centuries. Bit by bit, Nicky found himself aroused again and most certainly could not ignore the hard press of Joe against his hip. 

“I hope you’re not done with me,” Nicky said with a lopsided grin, reaching down to palm Joe through his own boxers. Joe closed his eyes and groaned, a wide smile showing off his adorable bottom row of crooked teeth. Nicky was so happy dentistry had not been around in 1099.

“Oh, no, no, no, I am most certainly not done with you,” Joe growled, rolling himself over on top of Nicky, pressing his delicious warm weight between Nicky’s thick legs. 

“I’m going to go hard, I’m going to be relentless and unforgiving, and I will not apologize for claiming my place in the world.” 

Nicky shook his head, laughing. 

“Joe, my light, you are losing the thread of this metaphor. Are you Biden or Trump now?”

“Oh, no, hayati…” His voice was deeper, raspier now, and it ensorceled Nicky. Nicky felt his body go weak and pliant, ready to give Joe all and everything. “I’m neither.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” Joe whispered, burying his face into Nicky’s neck to press a kiss and the promise of more. 

“I’m Kamala.”

With that, he bit down at the junction of Nicky’s neck and shoulder, and Nicky was sure he was just about ready to come again.

**Author's Note:**

> Still here? LOL I am so sorry


End file.
